I scold myself for being with my partner all the time, but then I have a week like this.
For my entire life I have always felt overly invested in my friendships and like my friends don’t really care about me, overlaid by this fear of never being ______ enough. This was always aggravated by the fact we moved so much and I felt particularly forgettable.
Because I am very aware of this obsessive and toxic neuroticism, I try to remind myself that these are things I’m always afraid of and that they can’t possibly be true for all of your friends or else why would they associate with you at all and stop being such a baby loosen up relax.
But when little things happen one after another, they add up. And it’s hard not to think of yourself as disposable or forgettable or not worth peoples’ time when it’s little instances, constantly, from all directions.
It’s no wonder that when I do decide to grow balls and commit to a relationship for a time, my world tightens around that person. What else do you expect to happen when you finally encounter someone who asks for your company, who doesn’t just talk to you when they want something from you, who is mutually supportive and genuinely interested in you for more than a contact in the scene or how knowing you might help them?
It’s not that I am only interested in spending time with my partner. It’s just that when someone starts to treat you the way you deserve to be treated, it seems insane to exhaust yourself trying to please people that obviously don’t care about your friendship all that much.
bluecloud24 said: Hey
Sometimes I feel bad about the fact that I often need very basic concepts/tasks explained to me but it’s just like when you are visiting your friends house and you have to ask what drawer the forks are in except the earth is my friends house and I am always visiting